Why Your Team Sucks 2. Dallas Cowboys. Some people are fans of the Dallas Cowboys. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Dallas Cowboys. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY.

Your favorite technology company, Google, is working on an upcoming feature that could put the kibosh on autoplaying videos for good. Soon you’ll be able to silence. 1 I celebrate myself, and sing myself, And what I assume you shall assume, For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you. I loafe and invite my soul. Ever notice how Christopher Nolan’s movies (Interstellar, Inception, The Prestige) feel like an anxiety attack? Well, maybe that’s overstating things a bit.

Fuck Jerry. And triple mega- fuck Chris Christie with a nacho cheese firehose. Your 2. 01. 6 record: LOL who gives a shit let’s just skip to the ending: Let’s see that again. And again. And again. Fuck it, one more angle. Perfect. Jared caught the ball. No matter how rich and powerful Jerry Jones gets, I can always count on his team—America’s Moral Sewer—to turn into a clown show anytime they sniff the postseason.

And I can always count on their fans to be absolute scum who are always begging to be humiliated. They lie in wait until the team is good again and take the opportunity to maximize ALL of their insufferability, to remind you just why you despised the Cowboys to begin with. Then, like clockwork, comes the comeuppance, which they’re too stupid to ever see coming. Never forget that the Jared Cook catch never could have happened without Jason Garrett ordering his QB to stop the clock on the previous drive. He’ll never learn proper game management, and for that I’m grateful.

He’s the best sleeper agent a Dallas hater could ever ask for. Your quarterback: Dak Prescott. Let me tell you what’s gonna happen to Dak Prescott this season, now that he’s the unquestioned starter and the Cowboys let Tony Romo dangle for three months before he finally decided to screw off and retire to the booth. Any time Dak struggles—and he will—Dallas fans will IMMEDIATELY beg for Romo to come back. It’s a lock. These front- running dye jobs are never, ever happy with the QB they have.

So if they see ANY trace of slippage from Dak, they will burp and fart and talk about DCs getting tape on him and how he was just a flash- in- the- pan fourth rounder. It’s coming. They shat all over Romo, and now they’re gonna shit on YOU, Dak. The first three Dallas games are in primetime (by league rules, they must play in primetime 7. If he falters in any of them, Skippy Bayless is gonna run around naked with CAN DAK REALLY CARRY THIS TEAM ON HIS SHOULDERS? What’s new that sucks: LOL your running back got suspended. I’m gonna put all the arguments aside for and against Zeke Elliott getting a stern dose of the Ginger Hammer justice.

That whole case is a goddamn mess and the NFL has already royally fucked it up, especially now that we know they ignored the recommendation of their own investigator in the case to NOT suspend Zeke. Jerry was a bullying shitbag through the whole ordeal. And outside of the case, Zeke just so happened to get himself in the middle of a bar fight and also pulled down a woman’s shirt and exposed her breast at a public parade. Not a lot of men to root for here.

Independence Day: Resurgence-123321: I've seen it on the big screen and it was okay. The only thing that I really hate about this movie i. The Legend of Tarzan-CtheKid. Some people are fans of the Carolina Panthers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Carolina Panthers. This 2017 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in. Sunday September 3, 2017 by BannerBot. Saturday September 2, 2017 by BannerBot. Friday September 1, 2017 by BannerBot. Thursday August 31, 2017 by BannerBot. Cable giant HBO’s very embarrassing 2017 has continued to get more embarrassing. On Wednesday night, hacker squad OurMine Security Group compromised Game of Thrones.

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The NFLPA has already filed a restraining order on Zeke’s behalf (kinda ironic), Zeke is suing, and this whole thing only promises to get uglier and uglier, with the truth of the original incidents becoming less and less relevant. So what’s important to remember is that something bad happened with the Dallas Cowboys, and it will cast a pall over their entire season, and Jerry is apparently very upset about it, and that’s great. I wish Jerry was always as unhappy as he was the moment he got the news. I hope Christie accidentally falls on him in the luxury box and suffocates him to death with hot dog farts. Elsewhere, one of the team’s wideouts had his dog kidnapped, and then was arrested for shoplifting in a breathtaking case of mistaken identity. Before his name was cleared, Dallas cut him, because they like to pretend to give a shit about character when it comes to fringe players.

Jason Garrett was steamed his 1. After Lucky Whitehead was cleared, they used access merchants and anal lampreys like Albert Breer to smear his name and help cover for their titanic mistake. I hope Whitehead sues them for eleventy billion dollars. In other news, it’s a given that any Dallas edge rusher will find a way to get himself suspended, so say goodbye to David Irving for the first month of the season. This defense is worthless without him.

Half the secondary left. Their two best linebackers have one working ACL between them. So much potential regression. You could hold a diving meet off my erection right now. BOINGGGGGGGGGG! What has always sucked: I was watching a preseason game and Al Michaels described Jason Witten as “Canton- bound” and you know what? Fuck Jason Witten. You don’t get to go to the Hall of Fame by being the world’s longest- lasting, boringest safety outlet.

He’s never caught more than 1. TDs in a season. He’s gone over 1,0. Jason Witten blows. They should have replaced him years ago.

But they’ll still let him into the Hall of Fame because Jerry bought his way in and will probably buy Witten’s way in, too. That’s how the NFL works now. Regardless of his tiff with Goodell, Jerry is still the shadow commissioner of this league, and he has remade the whole venture in his image. He engineered the existence of two shitty teams in LA. He runs stadium ops for teams that are not his own. And he has already pioneered new ways to drain local coffers by opening luxury practice facilities.

This is a greedy, tacky, corrupt league with no soul at its core. It doesn’t really matter if the Cowboys regress this season—and again, they will. Jerry will still be the kingfish, raking in his money and spending it with all the sensitivity of Marie Antoinette: This is the America you live in now. Not only do the bad guys win, they don’t even have to sneak around to do it. Everyone knows Jerry has a fixer (hmmm). Everyone knows Jerry is horny at all hours. I Want To Watch The Full Movie Of Mary Magdalene (2017). Everyone knows the NFL has a fucked- up relationship will local prosecutors in case players—or the league itself—get in a jam.

It doesn’t matter. You live in an age of naked, unapologetic corruption. No organization is a more fitting exemplar of this than the Dallas Cowboys and their tiresome, Real Housewives casting reject fans. After all, it’s not just Dallas players that are out here assaulting women. They don’t deserve success. They don’t deserve happiness.

They deserve to have a horse stomp on their throat. Terrance Williams still has no clue when to go out of bounds. Did you know? The biggest rapper the Dallas area has ever produced is Vanilla Ice. Also, as my colleague Dan Mc. Quade once noted, the Dallas Cowboys exist because founder Clint Murchison—who made his money by inheriting it from his old man, who made HIS money skirting oil regulations—bought the rights to “Hail To The Redskins” and then sold them back to Skins owner and avowed racist George Preston Marshall in a ransom exchange for his expansion vote.

This team was born out of shady dealings and will forever wallow in them. What might not suck: Yes yes yes the line is very good go fuck yourselves. HEAR IT FROM COWBOYS FANS! Tucker: Jesus Tapdancing Christ. Taylor: I’m a Cowboys fan that doesn’t live in Dallas. I would rather tell my coworkers what kind of porn I watch than reveal that I am a Dallas Cowboys fan.

Mattie: I suffer from an auto- immune disorder that manifests itself as intermittent chest and stomach pain. It kinda feels like when you really need to burp and your esophagus burns, only always and forever. To cope, I’ve rapidly changed my diet and cut down on as many stressors as possible. The one exception to this is watching the Dallas Cowboys. The adrenaline of watching the game masks the problem while the game is happening, but as soon as the game ends and I realize we fucked it up again my body goes into agony.

Why Your Team Sucks 2. Carolina Panthers. Some people are fans of the Carolina Panthers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Carolina Panthers. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

Read all the previews so far here. Your team: Carolina Panthers. Your 2. 01. 6 record: 6- 1.

Hey, who would have guessed a team coached by Ron Rivera and dependent on its QB for 9. IMMEDIATELY regress back to the mean after a fluke 1.

I could’ve made more money betting on that than betting on Mayweather. As you may recall, the Panthers’ Week 1 rematch with Denver was somehow a more brutal loss than Super Bowl 5. Cam Newton headshots that plays like a police misconduct showreel. Cam doesn’t even remember that first game. And remember when he got speared in the head against Washington and they ended up penalizing HIM on the play?

That was fun. As a matter of fact, the 2. Panthers are probably our greatest historic case study for football not existing at all. Look at Luke Kuechly, crying and disoriented after sustaining a potentially lethal concussion?

Dour prickface Jerry Richardson is raking in paper sending these poor guys out there to get killed. I am not exactly thrilled to watch it happen all over again. On the lighter side of failure, I don’t have the exact numbers on me but I’m quite sure this is the only team that Roberto Aguayo made a field goal against.

They also cut Bene’ Benwikere after Julio Jones racked up 3. Good job letting Josh Norman walk. You fucking morons. The season- long fiasco resulted in the firing of GM Dave Gettleman, who then had his ass set on fire by every Panther he ever shoved out the door: Popular guy! Your coach: Glorified Best Buy manager Ron Rivera. Remember when he benched Cam for not wearing a tie?

WHAT BOLDNESS. It takes real guts to submarine an entire game by trotting Derek Anderson out there because you know the owner will make frowny faces at any player rocking a fucking turtleneck. Your quarterback: Cam Newton.

At this point, I have no choice but to believe the Panthers are actively trying to kill their own quarterback. How else to explain leaving him in the game after shots like this, and with a shoulder that would later need offseason surgery? Or paying Matt Kalil—MATT FUCKING KALIL—$2. Do you know how insane that signing is? I’m not just saying that because I’m a bitter Vikings fan and watched Kalil play toll booth attendant to every defensive end in the league for the past four seasons. No no, the rest of league was also well aware of Kalil’s physical and mental fragility, and the Panthers still opened the vault for him anyway.

Cam should retire and spend the rest of his days wearing paisley romp- hims at Coachella. By the way, Cam still has no idea how to hold a press conference without looking like someone stole his lunch out of the office fridge. And I’d still like an explanation for this shit? What poor assistant does he force to pound out Instagram captions in fucking wingdings?

Only Prince was allowed to do this kind of shit. That 1. 5- 1 season? That was Cam’s one shot. He’s 8- 8 from here on out.

What’s new that sucks: Everything new about this team is old. They brought back Julius Peppers for a farewell tour and, in a completely bonkers move, decided to replace Gettleman with former GM Marty Hurney. The whole reason they hired Gettleman was to get them out of the cap hell that Hurney put them in to begin with! What in the teal fuck is going on here? Hurney’s re- emergence coincides nicely with the Panthers’ resurrected belief that they can protect Cam and win more games simply by employing 7,0.

They drafted Christian Mc. Caffrey and—well now, this will STUN YOU—but his jersey is already listed at the top of the Top Sellers category on the team’s NFL Shop page. WHO COULD HAVE GUESSED? These fucking fans. By Week 1. 0, they’ll want him starting at quarterback. As someone who bore witness to Toby Gerhart’s pro career, you’ll excuse me if I’m not a big believer in white running backs from Stanford who get a token invite to the Heisman ceremony. There’s also something hilarious about this team drafting a multipurpose back and then entrusting him to Mike Shula.

That’s like handing a Porsche to a dog. The next time a Panthers wideout or back goes in motion will the first time. Poor Lil’ Caff is gonna get sent out into the flat 4. Really gives the safety a nice target to launch at, you know?

Kony Ealy is a Patriot. Kelvin Benjamin is fat now. What has always sucked: There’s a certain cruelty in the fact that Charlotte is both North Carolina’s largest city and also, by far, the boringest town in that state. Asheville is Austin with a more reasonable climate. Wilmington is gorgeous.

The Research Triangle is a fucking blast. Charlotte is a bank branch someone made into a whole city, presided over by Richardson and his anodyne football team. As long as Newton remains the centerpiece of the Panthers, he will be emblematic of the culture war raging inside this state. He is a cool and wondrous player who is, virtually every waking moment, subjected to beatings both physical and verbal, from opponents and from the deranged yokel factions of this fanbase that demand Cam Newton be anyone other than Cam Newton. It will always be this way.

Every goddamn year, I’m gonna have to hear about how Cam has to change his style of play, or why Cam can’t take winning in stride, or why Cam shouldn’t have worn those seersucker shorts to the podium. There will always be a section of this fanbase that roots for Cam reluctantly, like they’re biting their tongues at the Thanksgiving dinner table. And all that all subdued hostility stems directly from Richardson, a sullen pig who made his money fattening up Americans and strong- arming anyone who asked him to pay them fairly. I’ll never get over this old story he told, with gushing pride, to Charlie Rose: Richardson, who said that Newton “was dressed perfectly” for their meeting, was blunt. I don’t have any.’ I said, . I don’t have any.’ I said, .

Everything good about this team will be at his mercy until he finally drops dead, just as all the cool things about North Carolina are at the constant mercy of dipshit rednecks that hate queers in the shitter and blacks at quarterback. This is just all so EXHAUSTING. Maybe the Panthers should take some time off and come back after Richardson is gone and his statue has been melted down to scrap metal and the team has moved. Also, the wideouts are still puke. Did you know? Rae Carruth is due to get out of prison next year. Given this team’s penchant for retreads, they’ll probably bring him on as wideout coach.

What might not suck: Cam could be lanced by an oncoming horseman and still be good for at least one rushing TD a game. Really the only way to keep NFL QBs healthy is to clone 3. Cams. HEAR IT FROM PANTHERS FANS! Miles: Fuck Jerry Richardson with a thickburger. Basically because he was too Belichickian with the players.

Because who wants to emulate the most successful coach in football history, right? We have yet to have back- to- back winning seasons.

Thank God he’s gone now. Fucking La. Var Ball played for this team. Fuck Sir Purr. John: They let Steve Smith walk, sign RB’s like they’re going to resurrect the Oklahoma wishbone, then send out Cam Newton again with zero offensive help and expect him to put the rest of the offensive unit on his shoulders, only to watch him get his skull beat in while Roger Goddell smugly smiles in watching the destruction of another black quarterback. What do they do to improve the situation? What did the general manager do to get unceremoniously shit- canned? Watch Online Free Lady Bird (2017). Only be the architect of the most successful four years in franchise history. A 4. 0- 2. 3- 1 overall record, three consecutive division titles, four playoff wins, a NFC championship title and a Super Bowl appearance.

Panthers owner Jerry Richardson fired him for being too mean to players when making the correct football decisions he was hired to make.